Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
George Bernard Shaw
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.
Arthur C. Clarke
Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.
Herbert Bayard Swope
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
During our crossing, Einstein explained his theory to me every day, and by the time we arrived I was fully convinced he understood it.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.
George Bernard Shaw
When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
... when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war.
The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Quality means doing it right when no one is looking.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office.
Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Rita Mae Brown
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Don't be afraid of death so much as an inadequate life.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice.
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
John F. Kennedy
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job.
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
Life isn't worth living, unless it is lived for someone else.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?"
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right.
History is a set of lies agreed upon.
The greatest mistake you can make is to be continually fearing you will make one.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
Divide and rule, a sound motto. Unite and lead, a better one.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Inside of a ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.
He who cannot be a good follower cannot be a good leader.
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw